THE AUDITORIUM — There has been a lot of misinformation about President Donald Trump’s tax bill, which will give every American a tax deduction, pave the streets, cure cancer and bring peace to the Middle East. So, as the Answer Man, the fount of all wisdom and knowledge, and with inside information on this administration, I will now take your questions.
Is it true that Russia got Trump elected?
That is a total lie, and if you don’t believe me, do as I did and just check with the Russian embassy. Press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish and 3 for the results of the 2020 presidential election.
But all 17 of our intelligence agencies said they have proof there was Russian interference on behalf of Trump in the 2016 Presidential campaign. Doesn’t that concern you?
Absolutely. I was horrified to find out we had 17 intelligence agencies. How many cloaks and daggers to do we need?
Trump goes out of his way to tweet insults about others – journalists, Congressional Republicans, even his own attorney general, but he has never, ever said or written anything negative about Russian President Vladimir Putin, an ex-KGB colonel, whose opponents have been imprisoned and even executed. Why is that?
Simple. Donald Trump doesn’t speak Russian.
What can you tell us about fake news? It seems the Russians are excellent at getting dumb Americans to buy into it.
Good question. Fake news is spelled C-N-N, or on the Dyslectics Channel, N-N-C. Fake news are items which are something we disagree with so we have alternative facts. For instance, the size of Trump’s inauguration crowd. Here is an actual aerial photo of the crowd, which filled the mall and poured out into the streets as far as Arlington.
That’s a shot of Obama’s 2012 inauguration.
Same mall. Next question. Speaking of fakes, why does every Trump property have an enlarged Time magazine cover featuring Trump’s picture, when there was never any such cover? It’s phony.
Exactly my point. You can’t trust the press.
When will we see Trump’s income tax returns, like he promised again and again?
As soon as Hillary Clinton admits her role in leading the attack in Benghazi.
Why is Trump so hard on the media? After all, it was TV that made him famous. No one outside New York City had ever heard of Donald Trump till he got a TV show.
That underlines the President’s innate power of observation. During the campaign, he gave scores if not hundreds of speeches and quickly discovered, after about 50, two topics that generated the greatest angry response from the crowd: immigration and the media. So he used them in every speech, and even today those are still huge applause lines.
Isn’t that pandering to the lowest common denominator?
Don’t bring math into this discussion. But we keep getting diverted. Anyone here with a question on the President’s tax plan?
I have a question about that. How many tax dollars are being spent on Trump’s trips on Air Force One to his weekly golf games in Florida and New Jersey?
The President’s doctor said he should get more exercise by playing more golf.
Is this the same doctor who said Trump had a bone spur on his foot and thus was ineligible for the Vietnam draft, but Trump couldn’t remember which foot or the name of the doctor? Anyway, I have a question: there is quite a national discussion today about sexual harassment involving famous men accused of making unwanted passes at women, calling them lewd names and much worse. Yet Donald Trump has bragged, on tape, of his serial harassment of many women, but there doesn’t seem to be any backlash or condemnation by the GOP.
The real harassment story is the NFL’s refusal to fire the players who kneeled during the playing of the National Anthem, and the way good Christian thirty-two-year-old men are harassed just because they like to date teenaged girls.
You say that we keep getting diverted, but you are the worst, diverting any question about the Trump’s administration. Can’t you ever answer a straight question about, say, the role of Facebook, Google and the rest of social media acting as agents for disseminating Russian propaganda? Just answer the question.
Of course I will, and straight to the point. The word, diversion, has nine letters, almost as many as do the words Crooked Hillary, who keeps trying to divert America’s attention from her role in JFK’s assassination, not to mention the Nine-Eleven disaster. Yes, you in the white hood.
Hey, Bro, the Donald is my man, and enny limp-wristed commie pervert who’s agin him may get a fiery cross in his yard, if ya git maw drift. I gotta question: Donald is right that NAFTA is a rotten deal, but why is the exportable tonnage of non-perishable software not consistent with the overall outbound of third-party import tonnage vis-a-vie the EU’s gold flow, if you git maw drift? Uh, let me get back to you on that. Now, there has been some discussion about the President’s firing of former FBI director James Comey. As the President made clear, Comey was too zealous in prosecuting Hillary Clinton.
Answer Man, absolutely no one believes that story. But what about Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller? Is Trump going to fire him, too?
The President has absolutely no intention of firing that partisan, double-dealing, fact-leaking Mueller, at least not right now. Check with me first thing in the morning. Yes, you from Fox News.
Thank you. It’s just awful the way the mainstream media keep beating up on our beloved leader, the Magnificent Donald. My question is, could he be made President for Life?
There is a huge groundswell among Americans for this to happen, according to Rush Limbaugh. Last question.
Answer Man, you have put on a disgusting display of twisted facts, lies and blind contradictions taking the American people for fools.
What’s your point?
Ashby has facts at firstname.lastname@example.org