THE TV – “Best season ever!” “Fantastic fall to come!” “Must watch TV!” You have noticed that all the TV networks are gearing up for the autumn schedule with bombastic promotions promising wonderful shows that will fill in for all those must-watched wonderful shows that debuted last fall, only to be cancelled after sponsors discovered there were more viewers watching microwaves screens. To spare you from spending hours checking out the new fall schedule, I have stolen their plans and present them now for your consideration. As you can imagine, the TV networks were quick to spot the best way to win an audience: present anything at all dealing with President Donald Trump. So we have:THE TV – “Best season ever!” “Fantastic fall to come!” “Must watch TV!” You have noticed that all the TV networks are gearing up for the autumn schedule with bombastic promotions promising wonderful shows that will fill in for all those must-watched wonderful shows that debuted last fall, only to be cancelled after sponsors discovered there were more viewers watching microwaves screens. To spare you from spending hours checking out the new fall schedule, I have stolen their plans and present them now for your consideration. As you can imagine, the TV networks were quick to spot the best way to win an audience: present anything at all dealing with President Donald Trump. So we have:Military Intelligence — Retired Marine Generals Kelley and Mattis resign their posts in the Trump administration, saying: “We’ve seen better cabinets at Ikea.”
Rocky XV — Rocky Balboa attempts to make a comeback but, in the second round, trips on his walker.
Local News – A cat is stranded in a tree, an apartment house is smoking and what you need to know about tangerines. Plus shootings, stabbings, lots of yellow police tape, car wrecks and a funny weatherman. (repeat)
Film Flam – Legally Blond: White House hairdresser tells all, and is shot by the Secret Service. The Texas Democrats Channel – Cancelled due to lack of interest.
The Food Channel – Featuring the Trump Shredded Cheese Salad: Make America grate again.
Shark Tanks – The Pentagon, so desperate for troops, puts great whites in armored fighting vehicles.
21 Jump Street – But the 22nd and 23rd don’t make it and are flattened to jelly by a Peterbilt.
Capitol News Channel – Gov. Greg Abbott calls the Legislature into yet another special session, explaining, “There is much unfinished business – some minorities are still voting, Planned Parenthood has not yet been totally eradicated and a transgender was spotted using a one-holer at a school outhouse.”
The New O’Reilly Factor – Host is fired after interrupting and shouting over his one commercial.
ESPN – Sports Talk. Buzz and Mongo say that both the Pin Stripes and the LaLa Landers swept a walk-off, while in pro hoops King James sunk one from downtown. Subtitles are available because no one else has the slightest idea what they are saying.
Austin City Limits — State Board of Education abruptly halts production of new textbooks, yelling: “Stop the chisels!”
M*A*S*H – Hawkeye and Trapper John are recalled to duty in Korea to remove Kim Jong Un’s ego. Kim dies on the operating table because there’s nothing left of him.
PBS – Update report on breakthroughs in caribou soup, Vice President Mike Pence — Man or Myth? and a two-hour special on why you should donate to PBS.
Movie Time: &%$#X — The Anthony Scaramucci Story. (X rated)
Flip This House – A look at Galveston during hurricane season.
Let’s Make a Deal – President Trump proudly announces he has exchanged the U.S. Navy’s Seventh Fleet for some magic beans.
The Sean Hannity Show – Hannity claims to have proof that Hillary Clinton, disguised as an ISIS mermaid, led the attack on Benghazi, nominates Trump for sainthood and urges Trump’s face be carved into Mount Rushmore, bumping Thomas Jefferson, who was “mediocre at best.”
Texas Times – Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick leads a posse of Texas Rangers in a midnight coup to toss out Gov. Greg Abbott. Unfortunately, the Rangers forgot to bring their bats and balls. “It’s an honest mistake,” Patrick explains. “I’m a carpetbagger from Baltimore where I was in charge of race relations, and my name isn’t really Dan Patrick.”
Lock Up — Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller subpoenas the Statue of Liberty as “a person of interest.”
What Ailes You – The ghost of former Fox chairman tells aspiring anchor women he is a licensed physical examiner. News You Can Lose – Special report on the American people’s drive to “repeal and replace” Congress. Due to the number of Americans fleeing south to seek asylum, Mexico announces it will build a wall.
Beat the Press – A new show dealing with the administration’s plan to end fake news, such as polls, TV tapes of Trump’s quotes and aerial photos of previous inaugurations.
The Sean Spicer Show (formerly Here Lies Sean) – In his new show, Spicer becomes a joke writer for Saturday Night Live.
The Family Values Channel – Donald Trump, Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich get together with their nine wives.
Fox and Friends – Panel discusses the need for more bubbleheads with long blonde hair and sexy legs opining on the hoax of global warming – from Port Denver.
The Socially Correct Channel — “A Confederacy of Dunces” is denounced by the NAACP as “racist.” There is a drive to remove the statues of Robert E. Lee, “and those of his relatives, Certain Lee, Social Lee and Brave Lee.”
Late Bulletin News!! – For the third year in a row, Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick is named the Official State Demagogue, and retires the trophy.
All in the Family – The President fires his entire cabinet and replaces members with Melania, Ivanka, Eric, Donald, Jr., Tiffany and Barron. A White House press release denounces Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigations into Trump’s ties with the Kremlin as “a witch hunt,” which is translated from the original Russian.
Movie Madness — Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Heaving Chest. Pittsburgh baseball team moves to Jamaica to escape coal smog after EPA is abolished.
MSNBC – Rachel Maddow spends so much time hyping an upcoming story that the show ends before she gets to it.
News from the White House — At 4 a.m., Trump Tweets that it is actually 5 a.m., forbids keeping his scores at golf courses, plans to pose for the one dollar bill, and announces, “They will never corner me in the Oval Office.”
Lock Up — Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller hunts down and burns a witch.
Even Later News Bulletin!! – A burning cat escapes from a tree but is arrested for smoking in a no smoking zone.
Ashby’s remote is at firstname.lastname@example.org