A great woman will die, a team will win the World Series and Apple will come out with a new product that will not only make all other iPads, iPhones and iNukes obsolete, but will completely disable every other communications device. Yes, it’s time once again for us to predict the future, with special attention to our new government. Remember that last year’s predictions were 100 percent accurate with a margin of error of a mere 100 percent.
JANUARY – After only parents of the players attend, and with TV ratings below the Test Pattern Channel for the first annual KFC Gravy Bowl, the NCAA announces that, in the future, bowl games would be limited to schools with actual coaches and a team. In his inaugural address, President Donald Trump orders he be addressed in the third person. In His Imperial Majesty’s inaugural parade, the float carrying his ex-wives is hustled away by the Secret Service, as are the cheerleaders and marching band from Trump University.
FEBRUARY – The Super Bowl held in Houston features a halftime show of the Best Super Bowl TV Commercials, the Battle of San Jacinto — so as not to offend anyone, this time the Mexicans win — and a recreation of the Apollo 13 blast-off. The second half of the game is cancelled because someone forgets to open the stadium’s moveable roof. (Texan officials later explain, “We have a roof that opens?”) The Texas Board of Education bans a textbook on World War II for saying the plane that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima was the Enola Gay.
MARCH – In anticipation of the 2020 Census which will allot Texas at least two or three new Congressional seats, the Texas Legislature approves a resolution making gerrymandering the Official State Sport of Texas. Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick changes his mind about school bathrooms, with a press release saying, “I thought the Trans-Gender was a freeway.” U.S. Energy Secretary Rick Perry sues Jeb Bush for “a total lack of energy.” As part of a new treaty, President Trump replaces the U.S. Marine Band with the Red Army Band, explaining: “The Marines are so military.” Hillary Clinton is reported missing by husband, Bill, “for the last three months.”
APRIL — UT student leaders declare that the name of the Austin festival, South By Southwest, “smacks of slavery,” and demand the name be changed to a Festival of Love, Hope and Flowers for People of All Color, Creed and Sexual Persuasion. In reply, South by Southwest officials say they’ll meet the UT student leaders at the Twin Peaks restaurant in Waco. President Trump demands that his children be allowed to sit in on an intelligence briefing dealing with our spies in Russia, adding: “They keep lots of secrets.”
MAY — The Texas branch of Planned Parenthood seeks political asylum in Aleppo, saying, in a press release, “For us, it’s safer than Texas.” President Trump disregards unanimous findings by our 17 U.S. intelligence agencies that Russia hacked emails, phone conversations and dead-drop document transfers, to influence the outcome of last November’s presidential election in favor of Trump; He calls the reports “the work of amateurs – I know more about spy work than they do. Just look at my own disguise. You think that’s real hair?”
JUNE –Is busting out all over. New director of the IRS announces that a little-known law requires New York City developers to withhold their federal income tax statements. A reporter calls the CIA to check out rumors that Russians have infiltrated top-secret positions in the agency. A spokesman replies, “Nyet.” The Texas Democratic Party is officially listed on the Endangered Species list. “That’s not true. We are alive and kicking,” he says.
JULY– The Fourth of July lands on July 4. President Trump takes full credit. Texas A&M announces it is leaving the SEC for the NFL. In response to criticism that Aggieland is being turned into a football factory, a press release explains: “Texas A&M is awl about edukashun.” The Kremlin announces that 25 American spies exposed in Russia have been executed. Fox News wins Pulitzer for Best Fiction writing.
AUGUST – FBI Director James Coney reports newly found emails show a fortune awaits him from a Nigerian prince. The Texas Board of Education approves printing books with moveable type on paper “as a pilot project.” FEMA declares the Astros’ bullpen a disaster area. A final NBC exit poll finds Clinton beating Trump in the Electoral College by 13 points.
SEPTEMBER — Labor Secretary Andrew Puzder abolishes Labor Day, explaining, “Even the Lord only took off on Sundays.” Baylor University announces its football players will no longer wear jerseys with numbers across their chests. “They bring back bad memories.”
OCTOBER –Hillary Clinton is found hiding in a tunnel under a New York City pizzeria. Bill Clinton says, “Not her. Keep looking.” President Trump asks, “Do we really need 17 different intelligence agencies?” No one knows why, so Congress establishes a new Committee to Find Out Why, with a Budget of $30 million and a staff of 400. Under new leadership, the EPA announces a new Friends of Smog Society and its Adopt-a-Refinery program.
NOVEMBER – Sen. Ted Cruz acknowledges that he has finally renounced his Canadian citizenship and now has dual citizenship with the entire U.N. Security Council. He may run for Grand Sultan of Senegal. Employees at the U.S. Treasury Dept. rebel on receiving orders to change the currencies to read: “In Trump we trust.”
DECEMBER — Upon hearing that, during the Christmas season, bell-ringers will be placed outside department stores by the Salvation Army, Gov. Greg Abbott orders the Texas Guard to “monitor this imminent threat of a military takeover of Texas.” A blizzard hits northern Alaska. Newt Gingrich blames “the elite liberal media.” Secretary of State Rex Tillerson orders all embassies and consulates to replace the U.S. seal with an Exxon logo. Lt. Gov. Patrick is run over on the Trans-Gender Freeway.
Ashby is soothful at email@example.com