Comrade (do we still use that term?), this is an update on what has been termed, “one of the greatest frauds in recent American history.” Modestly, I agree. We have changed America, we have put our boy in office, we have stirred up the pot of discontent. I expect the Full Order of The Peoples Hero. First, a bit of background: A few years ago, our nerds in the Kremlin found they could hack into American computer systems so easily it became something of an after-hours game: “Let’s see if we can change the vote count for the Oscars.” “Can we get factions to turn on one another?” “Make up some quotes.”
With the approach of the 2016 U.S. presidential elections, our boys got serious. They looked over the 50 states to see which citizens were the easiest targets – the most gullible. Quickly they found the one state where voters are so childlike in their unquestioning beliefs, so unknowing and uncaring about their governments, that they elect lawmakers who spend all their time debating whether to have transgender bathrooms in their schools, while their schools, roads, air pollution and prisons are approaching third world status. The lunatics have taken over the asylum, and the asylum is called Texas. To be fair (must we?), fertile ground had already been seeded with the persistent rumor that Texas, having been a republic, could leave the U.S. anytime it wished. A total myth, but we played the secession card to the hilt. It worked.
Our next step was to create a Potemkin Village (a little homemade reference there) called the “Heart of Texas” Facebook page and its @itstimetosecede Twitter feed as well. We began with simple news like “How to secede without really trying” and “If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.” According to journalist Casey Michel in the Washington Post, “Heart of Texas grew into the most popular Texas secession page on Facebook — one that, at one point in 2016, boasted more followers than the official Texas Democrat and Republican Facebook pages combined.” It had a quarter of a million followers. Those hayseeds hadn’t the foggiest idea that they were agents of the Kremlin. Some still refuse to acknowledge the fact.
Heart of Texas (let’s call it HOT from now on) was a huge success. We took both sides in any debate and managed to turn the sides against each other. Black Lives Matter got as much play as Blue Lives Matter and Back the Blue. Immigration was a cake walk, as we sent out news releases, Photo-shopped crowds carrying signs they never carried, and kept the pot boiling with minimal effort. HOT had easy pickings when it came to Islam, Muslims and ISIS, all the same, right? And we got everyone to hate the press – an important step in any destruction.
We did have a few problems, since our nerds in Moscow never quite mastered the English language, much less Texas twangs. One headline: “We Texans Need Toss Owt Forners” had to be scrapped after our followers pointed out that “out” is spelled o-u-t. The rest of the headline didn’t seem to bother them, but then we are not dealing with the brightest Lone Stars in the sky. One great success was the “Hillary is ill” stories. We showed clips of Hillary trying to get into a car and having trouble. Was she sick? Drunk? On meds? Fox News showed that scene constantly until, unfortunately, the FBI traced the story directly to us.
Conspiracies and paranoia: When the governor of Texas calls out the State Guard, as he did, to spy on Operation Jade Helm fearing a military takeover, you know you’ve got an easy target. I mean, these cretins are still debating who shot J.R., much less who shot JFK.
And they forget that the single biggest perpetrator of the Birth Movement – that Obama was born in Kenya – was D. Trump himself. Using Facebook, we have planted stories about how the Obama administration wanted to abolish the Second Amendment (“One man, 10 guns!”), the millions of immigrants pouring into the country to syphon off our vital bodily fluids, (“Build That Wall” – you ought to see our Spanish language version of that), and transgender restrooms (a slam dunk, see above).
I mentioned fake quotes, which are quite easy to do since no one ever checks them out to see if they are true. Here’s one that spread like sniffles in a nursery: “If America is ever destroyed, it will be the work of the Democratic Party. – Gen. George Patton.” And: “As Thomas Jefferson once wrote to John Adams: ‘We need a bold leader with real estate experience in New York City.’” Our ace in the hole is fake news, which is untraceable and sells well in Texas. Anything damaging to Hillary and favorable to Trump was taken as God’s truth in that state. We started out small, then grew until Facebook, emails and all other social media spread the word for us. Remember the pizza parlor in Washington that was a front for the Clintons’ child sex ring? You’re welcome. Now the bad news. Our efforts to sew discontent and divisiveness in America and especially in Texas are being discovered. Researchers, code breakers and those few Texans with curiosity and common sense are tracing our disinformation campaigns back to Russia, specifically to our front, the Internet Research Agency. But we can still count on the vast majority which will believe anything that suits their preconceived suspicions.
Now we are preparing for the 2018 elections. We take a small sliver of truth, which everyone knows, then add on our own twist: Hurricane Harvey was a deadly storm, and was the result of high taxes and Planned Parenthood. Most Americans are Christian, and most Muslims are terrorists. As Sam Houston wrote to Stephen F. Austin, “Texus muss suceed.”
Ashby is gullible at firstname.lastname@example.org