THE DEMONSTRATION – Here I am, protecting my God-given right to bear arms, freedom of speech and assembly, and the right to suffer an agonizing, suffocating death. This is an organized spontaneous demonstration of American-loving patriots opposed to closing down Texas, including adult book stores. Surrounding me are men with their AR-15s – those white tail deer can be dangerous – waving American flags with a few neo-Nazi banners mixed in. They are standing six feet apart, no, actually shoulder to shoulder, occasionally coughing. None is wearing a mask, but a few are sporting white hoods. They do not fear the coronavirus, or novel corona or COVID-19. The so-called “scientists” can’t even agree on what to name the pandemic. President Trump called it “a Democratic hoax.”
“Masks Are For Wussies!” reads one sign. A woman wearing a Statue of Liberty suit, unless she’s naturally green, carries: “Don’t Glove Thy Neighbor.” This other patriot must be a dairy farmer: “Re-Stock Cheese – Make America Grate Again!” It’s interesting how they can still hold a protest sign while dragging their knuckles. Here are a man and woman carrying an odd sign: “Vee Amerikans Demund Phreedum!” Uh-oh. That can only mean one thing: Aleksandra Yuryevna Krylova and Mikhail Leonidovich Burchik, known to the feds as a couple of top Russian agents, are back in Texas. You remember them. During the last presidential election they were sent to the U.S. to find the most gullible and easily misled Americans to divide and misguide. They looked all over the U.S. and chose Texans. “Hi, Aleksa and Mike, welcome back to the Lone Star State,” I say. “No, vee are Zally Zue and Billy Bob from Bewmont,” Mike says. “Here to take part en Trumpster rally.” That connection makes sense. Trump has been Tweeting “Free Virginia” and other states whose Democratic governors have been holding out for longer stay-in-shelter rules. Wonder who’s paying for this gathering? Trump’s campaign still owes El Paso more than $500,000 for a 2019 rally. City officials may sue.
“I guess you two will be using your old tricks from 2016,” I say, recalling how they operated back then. They used phony names, fake emails, rumors, Facebook, Google, Twitter and PayPal to get Texans to fight one another, demonstrate, and counter demonstrate to help Trump. It was an easy success. The Kremlin had unsuspecting allies, the polezni durak. Gen. Michael Hayden, former head of the CIA and an expert on all things sneaky and Russian, flatly said the Russians got Trump elected president. Gen. Hayden also may solve a mystery: “The most benign explanation as to why Trump seems to not criticize Putin is a phase from the Soviet Union: polezni durak, ‘the useful idiot,’ the sort of person the Kremlin secretly held in contempt but went all out to exploit.” At this rally I look around for any useful idiots.
Vladimir Putin is always seeking ways to hurt America. A key method is to divide us. Hillary supporters versus Trump backers, blacks against white (the Ruskies promoted both “Black Lives Matter” and “White Lives Matter,”) make us distrustful of our institutions such as Congress, academia, the media and pro wrestling. And now a perfect target: COVID-19. Somewhere in the bowels of the Kremlin are smart manipulators of Americans, and with success. The Kremlin even hatched opposition to the annual military exercise, Jade Helm 15, getting the more gullible among us, a majority, to fear President Obama was going to confiscate our howitzers and militarily seize the state. We don’t have to be paranoid to think that the Kremlin gremlins are working hard to make this pandemic a wedge between us. Already there are demonstrations, like this one, pitting keep-us-closed versus open-us-up. Pressuring governors to open up our essential tattoo parlors and bowling allies to spread the pandemic and, in effect, kill us.
Fortunately, I have secured a copy of the Putin Playbook. He has already begun the anti-restriction demonstrations. They will be held more often, gathering people from, let’s say Texans, who stand shoulder-to-shoulder, sans masks, then return to their homes from Dalhart to Brownsville, from Orange to Pecos, coughing all the way. Our leadership is made up of polezni duraks, with the likes of Gov. Greg Abbott lifting restrictions while polls show that most of us want them to continue, at least for a while. Lite Gov. Dan Patrick goes on national TV, twice, to oppose any shutdowns because old folks like him (he’s 70) are expendable — it is more important to rebound the national economy than to care for the elderly. Several members of AARP have suggested that Patrick lead by example. Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton said that he will continue to battle progressives’ attempts to force mail-in voting, claiming that vote-by-mail is the “most likely place for fraud.” That’s right, get us all lined up on the sidewalks outside of voting places so we can spread our bugs.
The Putin Playbook has a team of polezni duraks working at Fox News. On Sean Hannity’s show, Bill O’Reilly (remember him?) said people dying from the coronavirus “were on their last legs anyway.” Laura Ingraham said that any number of deaths below 100,000 is a sign that experts ought to be ignored in favor of a robust economic return. That brings us to the experts. The Playbook calls for undercutting the influence of the panel of world-renowned scientists and research scholars. You may have seen those “Fire Fauci” posters at rallies. Rush Limbaugh constantly refers to Dr. Deborah L. Birx as “the scarf lady.” Limbaugh finds a conspiracy among the experts: “The Deep State extends very deeply. And the American people did not elect a bunch of health experts that we don’t know…And how do we know they’re even health experts?”
Before leaving for a spontaneous Tea Party float parade, I notice Mike and Aleksa have put on masks and gloves. “Of course. You think we’re crazy? We’re not Texans.”
Ashby demonstrates at firstname.lastname@example.org