THE TV – “Stand by for the must-watched shows of the new television season.” Here we go again. Each fall the networks trot out their great new programs which replace last season’s great new programs that bombed. To no one’s surprise, this season is heavily influenced by recent events in the White House.
MONDAY – America’s Got Talent – Just not on this show. The Price Is Right – An in-depth look at donations for Congressional campaigns from lobbyists for Big Pharma. Late Breaking News – Fall began on Sunday, September 23 and ends on Friday, December 21! Police raid a mortuary to discover lots of bodies. “It looks very suspicious,” says a police spokesman, “but the witnesses won’t talk.” Movie Time: “Men in White” – KKK members unexpectedly run into a group of NAACP bodyguards. Monday Night Football – Players for the Dallas Cowboys who do not stand for the National Anthem are traded to the Houston Texans. Hannity – Fox host claims the Clintons killed Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy and probably Cock Robin. Fake News at 10: American Petroleum Institute explains that gas prices are higher because “Americans are driving more.” GOP spokesman denies there was any Russian involvement in the 2016 Presidential elections. (English subtitles) NCIS: Waco.
Cutting-edge scientific staff investigates exactly why anyone would live in Waco.
TUESDAY — Family Values: The three wives and ex-wives of Donald Trump, Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh discuss alimony payments. Movie Night: “Pitch Perfect.” Fantasy comedy about the Astros’ bullpen. Larry the Cable Guy – Airs sometime between noon and midnight. More Breaking News – Lots of yellow tape around a sheet covering the body of someone we never heard of before and will never hear of again. Lock Him Up: Hillary Clinton interviews Gen. Michael Flynn. U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announces Houston “is recovering from flooding nicely, far better than Venice.” Dragnet – Detective Joe Friday grills White House adviser Kellyanne Conway: “Just the alternative facts, Ma’m.” Bankrupt mom and pop merchants in a small town chant: “Mister Walton, Tear. Down. That. Walmart!”
WEDNESDAY – In Search Of: A hunt for any Republican Congress member with a spine is called off after futile attempts. Breaking Fake News: White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders denies President Trump is amoral, lecherous and a liar. Her nose continues to grow. Wednesday Night Football: Reruns of previous NFL games. No one notices. Flip This House: A look at a Kansas trailer park after a tornado. Rachel Maddow Show – Liberal host interviews “a brilliant, funny and snarky Rhodes Scholar — Rachel Maddow.” Other guests get bored and leave. Fake News at 10: American Petroleum Institute explains that gas prices are higher because “Americans are driving less.” More News You Can Lose: NRA’s new shooting range is closed by police. Says an NRA official: “Then why did they name the place ‘Target’?”
THURSDAY – Tucker Carlson Tonight: Guests include Benito Mussolini, Joseph Goebbels and Pol Pot discussing, “Let’s give torture a chance.” Carlson gives out home addresses and routes to rallies of Democrats who might win in November. Flick Night: “The Fugitive.” Dr. Richard Kimble (Harrison Ford) and U.S. Marshal Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) team up to hunt for a winning Texas Democrat candidate, but with no success. Let’s Make a Deal: Robert Mueller negotiates hard prison time. Mueller also has a new show: Flip This Aide. PBS begins its weekly fund-raiser when Judy Woodruff throws out the first tote bag. Faux News: Russian spies deny they had any involvement in the 2016 Presidential elections, but release results for the 2020 elections.
FRIDAY – Family Feud: Donald Trump’s five children debate: Who’s your mommy? Sen. Bernie Sanders denies he is too old to run again for President, vowing he will campaign “in all 13 states.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell promises, “Democrats will control Congress when hell freezes over.” The Houston City Council does something important, as do the Commissioners Court and the HISD school board, but it’s cheaper to show apartment fires and car wrecks. Broken News! — FEMA announces, “Help is on the way for hurricane survivors,” adding “We’re talking about Harvey. Florence will have to wait.” The Food Channel: Noted chefs recommend adding shredded cheese on top of everything, declaring: “Make America grate again.” The Humble Pie Show: Sen. Ted Cruz asks his new best friend, Donald Trump, to campaign for Cruz in Texas. U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announces the reason Houston flooded after Harvey: “We couldn’t find the drain plug. Our bad.”
SATURDAY – Book Notes: Author of “The Art of the Deal” proudly tells how he traded his first born for some magic beans. President Trump finally releases his income taxes – only slightly shredded. Fake News at 10: American Petroleum Institute explains that gas prices are higher because “Americans are driving.” Eight Is Enough: Look inside the trunk of a 1957 Ford coming up from Laredo. Billion Dollar Buyer: In a package deal, Tilman Fertitta buys April and Mondays. Law & Order – Sgt. Law & Detective Order arrest members of the Texas Legislature for impersonating a government. (repeat) Texas News at 6: Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick agrees that all offensive capitol grounds monuments should be taken down – except his. Former Enron executive Jeff Skilling, out of prison, goes into the magic bean business.
SUNDAY — Beat The Press: The Trump administration’s plan for handling the Fourth Estate. Sunday Bad Football: Houston Texans find out they play Denver Broncos as a second game after the Broncos play Saints earlier that day. Straight Face the Nation: Evangelical Christians explain why they support President Trump. (audience laugh track real — not added) 60 Minutes: Les Moonves, Roger Ailes (on tape) and Charlie Rose debate whether women should have the vote. Even More Football: To show their patriotism and denying they are “traitors,” NFL players en masse join the Marines, cancelling the rest of the season. The Weather Channel – Stormy Daniels brings reign to an end. Late Late News: Hell freezes over.
Ashby records at email@example.com