From: Agent Slime Ball
Re: Operation Dodging the Ballot
As per your orders I have launched a program to deter voter fraud in Texas, which you have rightly labeled is “rampant,” even though between 2005 and 2018 there were only 73 prosecutions in Texas out of 64 million votes cast.” (How many of these traitors were actually found guilty is a secret.) The current problem is to allow voting by mail in light of the coronavirus – some wimps don’t want to line up with sneezing and coughing fellow voters to cast their ballot. Texas’ election code allows for mail voting for people over the age of 65, disabled, out of the county on Election Day and during early voting by personal appearance or be in jail.
Their clearly weak argument is that Texas voters will either have to stand 6 feet apart, which could mean lines a mile long and hang around for hours with people who may be Typhoid Mary. (Texas Secretary of State Ruth Hughs suggested that voters “may want to consider” voting curbside if they have symptoms of COVID-19, including a fever, cough or sore throat, when they arrive at a polling place.) These weasels ask: Do they have to risk death in order to vote? To counter this argument, I have stolen a slogan from Fox News: “Fair & Ballots” — a program with bumper stickers like “Patrick Henry Was Right” and “Vote Versus Virus.” For sports fans I have “COVIT 19 – Trump 2020.” Your opponents trot out the Wisconsin debacle in April when a Republican-controlled court refused to let the election be pushed back to a safer, warmer and healthier time. Every other state with an election scheduled for April postponed their contest or shifted it to by-mail voting only. But in Wisconsin voters — with 2,511 reported cases of coronavirus and 85 dead — waited in long lines, and not always 6 feet apart. In Milwaukee, fear of catching the virus caused many poll workers to stay home, so only five of 150 polling places opened, and at last count 67 poll workers and voters contacted the coronavirus, although some dispute this figure. But we’re Texans! We can take unnecessary danger.
Gov, I have another plan. We get volunteer GOPers to stand in the voting line, without masks, and suddenly start coughing and wheezing. That should clear out the cues immediately. This fight over mailing in ballots is due to the conventional wisdom that a big turnout helps the Dems while a light turnout favors the Republicans. Wrong! Survey after survey shows voting by mail gives no advantage to either party. There is also the general feeling that our efforts to suppress voting by mail is a transparent attempt to keep Dems from voting. My answer is: What’s your point?
President Trump is a strong ally in our efforts. He has called mailing in votes “corrupt,” and – more honestly — recently observed that expansion of voting by mail “doesn’t work out well for Republicans.” When it was pointed out that the president himself, along with the first lady, Melania Trump, voted by mail in Florida’s presidential primary in March, he replied with a killer retort: “What about Hillary orchestrating the raid in Benghazi?” I have another plan: Just get Trump to call off the elections. Hey, we’re in a war with COVIT-19 and this is no time to be distracted by something so minor as a pandemic sweeping the nation and killing thousands. If anyone knows distractions, it’s our boy in the White House.
You are quoted as predicting the legal battle on voting by mail will work its way to the U.S. Supreme Court “pretty quickly.” No, no, no. Thus far the fight has gone through the lower courts, then it was appealed to a higher court which overturned the ruling and a judge ordered the latest decision to be thrown out or reconsidered or something. A three-judge panel of the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals, which is notoriously pro-Republican, overturned the overturn. We must keep the pot boiling, because if we drag our feet enough the elections will be over. You said the state had already taken steps to make voting safer and pointed to your delaying the May 26 runoff election for state offices to July 14 because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Good work, but Texas needs time to print and mail out millions of ballots, so there have to be bids and contracts for the job, reviewing what’s the best deal for the state’s taxpayers, who and where will the ballots be counted by hand, and so on. Months will go by and then it will be too late for all these changes, if you get my drift. Hehehe.
We must counter the argument that five states — Colorado, Hawaii, Oregon, Utah and Washington State – have been using vote-by-mail for years. They count their ballots relatively fast and conduct elections that are accurate, accessible, safe and secure. Even the conservative Heritage Foundation’s voter-fraud database contains only 13 instances of absentee voter fraud — indeed, only 44 instances of any kind of voter fraud — across those five states. We reply Texas is an independent state that will go its own way. We’re Number 1, especially when it comes to executions and children without health coverage. We have one last arrow in our quiver. If Texans vote by mail, they’ll think their vote will be tallied, but will they? President Trump said, “The Postal Service is a joke.” There’s a good chance that the post office won’t get those millions of ballots to the proper destinations. I have also put up “U.S. Postal Service” signs on dumpsters throughout the state.
Finally, I have a message for you encouraging you to show that you’re a real man: take a cruise and get as close to strangers as you can. Don’t wear a mask. The message is from Dan Patrick.
That masked man is at firstname.lastname@example.org