THE CALENDAR – Oh what a year, what with competent candidates getting elected, famous people doing famous things and peace reigns. I am speaking, of course, of 1950. As for 2018, we may be in for some shocks, but at least we’ll be prepared because I shall predict the future. So stand by while I say the sooth.
January – Three college football teams do not play in bowl games. Pointing proudly to the defeat of alleged child molester Roy Moore, Alabama enters the 18th Century. President Donald Trump tweets that he is not crazy, and demands Democrats quit hiding under his bed. Boy Scouts reverse decision to allow Girl Scouts to join after they humiliate the boys in merit badges for arm wrestling, bronco riding and heart transplanting.
February – Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick changes his name to Patty Dan, explaining, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom somewhere.” Sean Hannity is officially adopted by President Trump. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson visits Iceland to negotiate a friendship treaty. Trump Films denies its latest release, “A Valentine for Vladimir” is based on fact.
March – Bill Clinton takes over the Playboy Mansion which is vacated after male members of Congress move out. Russia denies it sponsors a new website, Krem de la Kremlin. The Texas State Board of Education votes unanimously to ban boys and girls from using the same bike racks. In an NBA game, the Rockets’ James Harden scores 100 points, but laments: “I just wish Coach would have let me play the second half.” Oscar Awards are cancelled after a sexual harassment suit is filed against Oscar by Tony and Emmy.
April – On Tax Day, President Trump is going to release his personal income taxes forms, but, he explains, the dog ate them. General Motors unveils its first all-electric car, the Shock. Unfortunately, it requires an extremely long extension cord. At a hearing, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers says Houston would not have flooded “if only we could have found the drain stopper.”
May – NAACP demands Dixie cups be banned as a “clearly racist symbol.” Needing a longer weekend, the Koch brothers buy Friday. A professor at Stanford University wins the Nobel Prize for discovering how to fold a fitted sheet. A federal court rules that Texas’ gerrymandering of Congressional districts by the majority Republican legislators is “outrageous and mind boggling.” The Congressman from Harlingen-Amarillo disagrees.
June – Merchants put out their Christmas decorations. Hurricane season officially opens on June 1 with the Red Cross throwing out the first doughnut. Rush Limbaugh wins first place in the annual Albuquerque Hot Air Balloon Contest. He adds: “I’d done even better if I had a balloon.”
War breaks out between the U.S. and Iceland. Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke promises Indian tribes, “Coal sludge will not spill into your creeks and rivers as long as the sun shines and the buffalo roam. You can trust Washington.” The President’s dog dies of acute indigestion. A veterinarian observes: “It looks like the dog was force fed a bunch of papers.”
July – FEMA tells Texas, “Help for Harvey is on the way.” Gov. Greg Abbott calls out the Texas State Guard to prevent an amphibious invasion by Old Navy. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims the DNC is “a front for baby-smuggling zombies.” When asked where she got that information, Sanders replies, “I got it straight from a reliable source, Krem de la Kremlin.” Harvey Weinstein denies he has sexually assaulted any women, that he tried to cover up his crimes and that he is Harvey Weinstein.
August – Hillary Clinton denies she is running for President again, in a press release from her campaign manager issued at a fund raiser. The Summer Olympics gives drug tests to Russian athletes after a pole vaulter vaults 45 feet – without a pole. Parts of Meyerland are inundated by a heavy dew. With great fanfare, Rachael Maddow on MSNBC announces she has a copy of “Donald Trump’s tax returns.” It turns out to be the returns for Donald Trump, Jr. when he was 8. Still, $400.000 isn’t bad. Indian tribes rise up in revolt against coal sludge spilling into their creeks and rivers.
September – NRA wants guns allowed in churches, confessional booths and concealed under choir robes. Its new slogan: “What kind of semi-automatic would Jesus own?” Houston Texans begin the season by joining Blue Cross. U.S. Army Corps of Engineers opens floodgates on Hoover Dam, wiping out much of California, Nevada and Arizona. A general explains: “We had to flood these states in order to save them.”
October – The most popular Halloween costume in Washington this year is the Robert Mueller mask. An administration official explains: “When he shows up at your doorstep, you’ll treat him to anything.” President Trump fires the head of the White House Secret Service detail after finding out Trump’s code name is “Snake Oil.” New EPA director Scott Pruitt says, “Global warming is a hoax perpetrated by overly protective parents who want their children to survive.”
November — Texas A&M, going 0-11 in football, reinstates the Aggie bonfire, with Coach Jimbo Fisher on top. Also in football, Trump University qualifies for a bowl bid. After pressure from the FCC, Fox News officially changes its name to Faux News. Hillary Clinton accuses Bill of “avoiding sexually harassing me.” Secretary of State Rex Tillerson admits he gained most of his foreign diplomatic experience at the International House of Pancakes. Post-Thanksgiving sales are called off after NAACP objects to the term, “black Friday.”
December – The Texas State Board of Education debates whether teachers should be paid more than a manicurist. Most of Puerto Rico gets power. After a nationwide petition claiming that the name, Washington Redskins, is “insulting, embarrassing and demeaning,” the NFL agrees to change the team’s name to the Arlington Redskins. The New York Times reports that, despite his assertions, Donald Trump was not born in a manger. President Trump denounces it as “fake news.”
Ashby predicts at firstname.lastname@example.org