To the Residents of Golden Years Glen:
This is your monthly newsletter sharing the latest exciting happenings in our neighborhood. Yes, this January edition is a wee tardy, but our late editor, Jim Collardgreens, didn’t survive the heart transplant from a squid. Jim was a multi-billionaire, but if only he’d listened to those who warned him against using the cheaper, but riskier, ISIS Suicide Bombers Survival Hospital in Dhaka, Bangladesh. His widow, BettySue Collardgreens, announced she will be wearing black in mourning until her wedding next week to famed heart surgeon Dr. Ali bin-Mohammed, formerly of Dhaka, Bangladesh. The Bassoons at 56 Wrinkle Road announced that they are moving to an assisted living residence, God’s Waiting Room, because “we just can’t get our crutches to move fast enough during the Thursday Night Cloggers Marathon.” Pete Mockingbird had announced that he was looking to “date a woman my own age.”
Then he discovered “there aren’t any.” The fire caused by Missy Mongoose which destroyed more than a block was blamed on her lighting up a cigarette while still under her oxygen tent. She attributes it to “a senior moment.” She should be back with us within the year. We are sad to report the demise of one of the neighborhood’s more colorful characters, Major George “White Flag” Grenade, who attended the annual reunion with his fellow veterans of the 447th Artillery Brigade. While George was showing family members how to load a howitzer, he forgot it was already loaded.
A word of caution about the Fountain of Life at the end of Senility Circle. It has dried up. We do not take that as an ominous sign, but it does raise a point about the age of some of our residents. We seem to be getting older. When someone mentions “the turn of the century,” meaning 1900, that’s a clue. Even more so is when someone refers to 1863 as MDCCCLXIII. We like our little neighborhood of townhouses. It means no lawns to keep up, no children running through our hedges, no crime – except for the unfortunate double axe murder at the Shoestrings’ Thanksgiving dinner after someone used “Trump” and “treason” in the same sentence – and a cozy togetherness as senior citizens. Still, we must admit that Father Time is creeping up on us. When the EMS ambulance has a reserved spot at our neighborhood’s entrance, or you have 911 on speed dial and a majority of the residents have frequent flyer miles on LifeFlight, we know we have slipped a step.
Good news! A young (under 90) couple has moved in that doesn’t have a disable tag on their rearview mirrors.
They seem to be a nice pair, although rumor has it that he is a reformed journalist, so don’t talk politics, religion or anything else with them. They promise to remove their flock of pink flamingoes from their front porch shortly, but he claims the 10-foot wide satellite dish has been “grandfathered in,” mainly because he’s a grandfather. We have sent them a copy of the Homeowners Handbook underlining the part dealing with moats, loud music after 4:30 in the afternoon and prohibiting two or more walkers left on the porch. Also, we are reminding them that our mailman, Matt “Misdirected” Morgan cannot leave plasma deliveries in the mailbox during hot days.
In other news, your board of directors is considering a motion to ban cable hookups that carry any channel except Fox News. It has also been suggested that the board see if Golden Years qualifies for federal funds to erect a gate at our entrance, but one member noted that they had tried that before, but no one could remember the code. At a recent board meeting, it was unanimously approved that residents depend on Medicare and Social Security, but are totally opposed to high taxes and the federal government meddling in our lives. When Gary “Pops” Gary said this smacks of hypocrisy, he was voted off the island and onto an ice floe. The neighborhood’s Christmas decorations will be taken down soon, but we need a volunteer who can climb a ladder. The board saw no reason to put up Halloween decorations since we don’t allow children. This year’s Wife Swap Weekend has been called off due to a lack of interest. Finally in board news, the next meeting will be held sometime in the future, but an angry discussion erupted as to how far in the future, given that half the members are on life support.
This just in: We have more news about that new couple that just moved in, that burned-out journalist and his wife.
Rupert Rangoon reports that they are watching that liberal commie station, Houston Public Television. Rupert knows this because he was out walking his pet turtle, Speedo, and saw the TV set through a window. “It was right there for anyone to see,” Rupert said. “All I had to do was go to their garage, stand on a car bumper and lean way over and brace myself on their water heater. I mean it was blatant!”
Attention homeowners! There have been reports of a peeping tom on Coronary Corners. No one claims to have hired him. This month’s AARP meeting will take up several important and timely subjects. These include Do Liver Spots Go With Onions?, Climbing Curbs, 10 Easy Ways to Foster Children’s Guilt, and Where There’s a Will – There’s a Lawyer. A special guest was scheduled, Angela Aneurism, author of “How to Jog After 80.” However, she was taken to intensive care, but happily still wearing her jogging suit. Some of you have asked about recovery efforts in Golden Years Glen after Hurricane Harvey. FEMA has assured us that clean-up will begin shortly. Janice Jaundice reminds everyone that “Harvey was nothing like the Galveston Storm.” Well, that’s all from your Golden Years Glen.
Just remember the observation from Maurice Chevalier: “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”
Ashby is aging at email@example.com