Dear Readers, We here at the Daily Dud always appreciate hearing from you, unless it’s a brick through our front window. That’s why we publish your letters, but due to the current toxic atmosphere, especially against the press, we have decided not to let your often erroneous charges go unanswered. So with that caveat, we now run this issue of Letters to the Editor, which is more pleasing than our original title, Bulletin Board for the Village Idiots.
Editor, Your commie-inspired article on the dangers of directly injecting Clorox into your body to cleanse it of COMIT-19 runs counter to observations by my wife, MarthaSue, and me. We tried injecting Clorox this morning and MarthaSue is just fine, although she is taking a nap in the front yard. I, too, am feeling just great and….the room, the room is…. – B.S. in Katy.
Editor, This is in reply to that stupid letter from Y. Baseless in Conroe objecting to a letter from Z. Scrubs in Perpetuity explaining why black helicopters have been circling his house. Scrubs is not paranoid any more than I am for wearing a ring of garlic around my neck to protect me from vampires. It works, and proof is that I have not actually been attacked by vampires in several weeks. I rest my case. – Your Reader in Houston.
Editor, It has been eight days since I submitted my op/ed article on “Our State Leaders Are Great,” yet you have not run it. Granted that our governor has changed orders to counter the tequila virus every other hour, and no one is sure whether what store or bar and massage parlor is open, but as Ralph Waldo Emerson, whoever he was, said, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.” – Greg A. Austin
Editor, You’re hedline: “We Shud Pay Our Grate Teechers Moore” is an inslot too us “unqualified and on probation” teechers. Why shud only the grate teechers get moore? – A Teecher in Spring Brunch
Editor’s reply: The headline actually ran: “Our Teachers Are Great – and Should be Paid More.”
Editor, Why did you run that liberal screed calling for everyone to wear a mask during the pandemic? We real Americans don’t need orders from the gubment. This is the same leftist thought process that would have us to refrain from shooting holes in highway signs, obeying the speed limit and not texting while driving through school zones. And while I’m at it, tell the federal gubment to keeps its hands off my Medicaid and Social Security. – J. R. Jayare, Houston
Editor, That conservative screed of a letter, “I’ll vote for Trump again,” contains quotes taken out of context, untrue statements (“If you need a test you can get a test.”) and stupid observations. You shouldn’t run letters that disagree with my preconceptions. – Libby Lib, Montrose
Editor’s reply: Why is it that a letter from an opposition reader is always a “screed” and not an “observation,” “comment or “opinion?” Tolerance is MIA these days.
Editor, Tolerance is in too much abundance these days. And we have too many bigots. If there’s anything I can’t stand it’s a bigot! – G.G. in Coherent
Editor, You bunch of weasels, hiding behind your title so no one knows who you are. Stand up and take it! Don’t keep giving us your fake news – like global warming, child labor laws and the hoax of COVIT-19 – and just sign them “Editor.” What a bunch of sissies. – Name withheld by request
Editor, This frenzy cry to topple Confederate statues is un-American. There is nothing wrong with monuments to people you don’t like. I don’t like spinach, but Crystal City, Texas, (“Spinach Capital of the World”) has had a statue of Popeye for 75 years, and you don’t see me tearing down Popeye. As for restitution for slavery, I am all for slaves being paid by their former owners for years of backbreaking labor in the cotton fields, but I can’t find any of either. The Fifth Amendment states, “nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.” The Yankee Army took my ancestors’ slaves and didn’t pay a penny for them, much less “just compensation.” Now how about some restitution to me? – Beauregard Forrest Lee, White Hood, Texas
Editor, Your columnist, Missy d’Mark, constantly beats up on Esperanto and immigrants from Arkansas, but never says a cross word about the lack of Norwegians on TV, Benghazi or the 2016 Olympics. She went too far in hyping margarine over butter, and I don’t need to waste my time reading her sorry opinions on organ donations or whether the toilet paper roll should go over the spool or under it. But I notice her column didn’t appear last week. Why is that? It’s the first thing I look for. – A Disgruntled Reader
Editor, Your recent diatribes about faceless hedge funds in NYC buying up all the local newspapers and cutting payrolls, number of pages and even days of the week to publish in order to fatten profits are right on target. Keep up the good work. – A Happy Reader
Dear Happy Reader, Thank you for that supportive message. While we’re on the subject, the Daily Dud, which has been in the Dud family for 167 years, has been sold to the Greedy Complex in NYC, a subsidy of Corporate Raider, Inc., based in Hong Kong, owned by Anonymous Entity, LLC of the Cayman Islands. The new owners assure the staff that no changes will be made except for a slight reduction to one reporter who will also be the sole photographer, printer and distributor, but that should be easy since issues will be limited to every other Saturday.
Editor, It’s all FAKE NEWS! The liberal media are the cause of all our problems. Stop spreading rumors, lies and a faulty horoscope through your newspaper! — Love, Mother
Dear Mother: You can have your brick back.
Ashby edits at firstname.lastname@example.org