As I was going to St Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Every wife had seven sacks. Every sack had seven cats. Every cat had seven kits. Kits, cats, sacks, and wives. How many were going to St Ives? — The Weekly Magazine of August 4, 1779
The Wall Street Journal – Stocks dropped across the board in early trading when word swept the floor that the town of St Ives was being evacuated due to the spread of the deadly Cat Virus. “The mayor has ordered everyone to flee for their lives,” a resident said, running from the town. Later, however, stocks rebounded on word that the mayor had ordered the evacuation to loot the empty houses. After hitting a record high, stocks fell to record lows when the kitten crop scored heavily in European markets. But just before the closing bell, some stocks went up and others went down. Wall Street analysts attributed the huge swings to “greedy brokers and dumb investors.”
Local TV – Breaking news! The seasons are about to change! Wednesday follows Tuesday! Near St Ives, a man met seven wives, each carrying seven sacks that, police say, were filled with seven cats, each cat with seven kittens. Such inhumane crowding could lead to animal abuse. The SPCA may file charges. Near downtown there was a police chase, an apartment fire and a bloody car wreck. OK it was in Singapore last week. So we got a car wreck, apartment fire and a police shooting — a perfect trifecta. In other news, World War Three has ….
The New York Times — A man, identified only as “a man,” was going to St Ives, a seaside town, civil parish and port in Cornwall. The town lies north of Penzance and west of Camborne on the coast of the Celtic Sea. See: History of St Ives, pages 23-29. Upon the road he met seven wives, according to a White House official who was not authorized to speak, so he said nothing, but indicated the seven wives were at various times married to President Trump, who stole the election with that squirrely Electoral College plot. The wives all carried seven sacks which the Mueller Report suggested were emails hacked from the Democratic National Committee. See full Mueller Report, Section 31. Each sack contained seven “cats,” which sources say is a code name for “tax returns,” “millions of votes” or short for “catastrophe,” the Trump administration’s plans for the next pandemic.
ESPN – Simple Simon, halfback for the St. Ives Cats, broke free for a coast-to-coast TD against the Fightin’ Kittens from Teetering-on-the-Brink to put the Felines 14-zip and give Coach Grinder (Cautiously Optimistic) Leatherhead a win with his Red Wombat Right Swoop. The run was helped when the Hit Man slammed Mercury with a double-double in the ol’ left jaundice. (English subtitles on ESPN 7.) This score came despite the fact that each wife had seven sacks, and all will probably go in the first round of the next NFL draft.
Variety – Hot flash from across the pond: A man – possibly Sean Penn on his way to St Ives, a location for his next box office bingo, met two – some say seven — women. Our snoops think the Pennster may be rendezvousing with Madonna or Charlize. Meanwhile, the Peacock Channel is making prime time for “Sacks & Cats: The #MeToo Story Goes Brit.”
Fox News – A man, probably a member of the deep state, was on his way to that well-known hotbed of treason, St Ives, where they all drive on the LEFT SIDE of the street. He came upon seven women, each one running for the Democratic presidential nomination. Tune into “Fox & Friends” all next week for an objective, fair and balanced discussion of “The Democrats ARE TRYING TO WIN!” Also, check out the Sean Hannity Show when Sean will disprove there are puppet strings running up his back to the Oval Office.
Press release from Plácido Domingo’s lawyer: He never touched those seven women.
PBS NewsHour — Hi, I’m Judy Woodruff. Smack. Our lead story: A man heading for St Ives met seven women. Each woman had seven smacks, uh, sacks. We’ll have more on this story with two experts, each from some Ivy League college, who will take opposite sides and debate what it all means to western civilization. Later an in-depth look at North Dakota, is it necessary? If you are still awake, we’ll hit you up for yet another donation, but you’ll get a tote bag, again.
Press release from the Biden for President Campaign: A man was going to St Ives to vote for Joe Biden, who didn’t mean to say, “My stealth plane is garbage,” but, “My health plan shows courage.” His reference to “I want to have foreign affairs” was clearly a bad choice of words. Joe didn’t doze off during the debate, but was merely meditating. And FDR used a wheelchair, too.
The Rachel Maddow Show – When the dinosaurs first roamed St Ives until the first voters arrived in the Bronze Age, cats were relatively rare. And speaking of cats, Wall Street fat cats are repressing the common man – and woman, too, don’t play that misogynist song to me, chauvinist pig. Anyway, this man met seven women who were carrying sacks. Now isn’t that sexist? Why were the women doing all the heavy lifting?
President Trump at a press conference – A man going to St Ives met 500 women, all wearing MAGA caps, carrying 2,000 sacks, the most sacks ever carried by women anywhere, to a rally being held before 30-million of my supporters. In each sack were 700 cats, all avowed supporters. Each cat had 450 kittens, who also plan to vote for me. Any fact check by left-wing journalists is clearly fake news. I’ll be speaking to the rally as soon as I, alone, bring peace to the Middle East, and also, I have a tee time at noon.
Ashby rhymes at firstname.lastname@example.org