We now face a new year with strength, honor and honesty. No, not really. More like horror, fear and trepidation. But we shall know in advance what is coming and what bed to hide under, because I shall now say the sooth. Clip and save.
January – New U.S. House leaders vow, “We Democrats are not out to investigate the President,” then elect Robert Mueller as speaker. NCAA cancels the post-season Toilet Bowl, explaining: “We don’t want to hear any more jokes about ‘flushed with pride.’” Education Secretary Betsy DeVos orders all textbooks to erase any mention of Barack Obama, saying: “We only list American-born presidents.”
February – A valentine sent to Michael Cohen from “Annonemous” reads: “Dreaming of a White Christmas.” The “snowflakes” test positive. A valentine from President Donald Trump to Russian President Vladimir Putin (“to Pootie with love”) is intercepted by The New York Times and published with the original spellings (“treesun,” “kollushun” and “secreet kode.” Trump calls it “fake news.” Texas Legislature begins a new session with a unanimous vote requiring Texas A&M to play The University of Texas in a football game.
March – EPA issues new guidelines allowing smoking in oil refineries, fireworks stands and oxygen tents, explaining: “Too many government regulations stifle the free market.” Texas Legislature passes a resolution withholding funds from any researcher at a state institution proclaiming the dangers of global warming and rising oceans. The lawmakers are now meeting in Port Waco. Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick approves a bill prohibiting bathrooms in schools, explaining: “You can’t be too careful with our students confusing one door for another.”
April – Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador begins the month by saying he agrees to pay for a 30-foot-high wall along the Rio Grande. President Trump hails the news, saying: “I told you I was right, as always.” State Board of Education approves textbooks on religion “from the Christian point of view.” Gov. Greg Abbott calls out the Texas State Guard after hearing rumors that Texas is being invaded by an army – the Salvation Army. Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador gets a good laugh over his earlier statement that Mexico would pay for a wall along the Rio, adding: “Inocentada!” (April Fool!)
May – Fox News announces that Donald Trump has been admitted as the 51st state. Hillary and Bill Clinton travel the nation with their seventh farewell tour, “We’re Back!” although interest in them seems to be waning as they are booked at a Buc-cee’s south of Pampa and a trailer park in Laramie, Wyoming. Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick is caught using the girls’ bathroom in a school. He explains: “It was an easy mistake to make.” Trump administration orders FDA to revoke bans on pesticides, health inspections and napalm-laced serials, explaining: “Too many government regulations stifle the free market.” Also, immigrants running with scissors is not only permitted but encouraged.
June – Is busting out all over. Sexual harassment charges are filed by #MeToo against the Vatican because the Pope continues to refer to God as “He.” FEMA kicks off hurricane season by tossing out the first life raft. Southwest Airlines introduces “Super Economy.” A spokesperson explains: “We can get more passengers on if we eliminate seats.” White House adviser Kellyanne Conway denies that there is turmoil in the West Wing. She issues the statement from her bunker during a brief ceasefire while the next chief of staff is dragged in kicking and screaming, “Why me?”
July – Oil refineries, fireworks stands and oxygen tents across America explode, killing and injuring scores. Fox News acknowledges that Donald Trump has not been admitted as the 51st state. The correction appears on its 3:30 a.m. program, News in Mandarin. Houston City Council approves residential developments in bayous, explaining: “Aren’t we called the Bayou City?”
August – Hillary and Bill Clinton travel the nation with their eighth farewell tour, “Clinton Fatigue.” In order to generate more interest in a dwindling audience, Bill will discuss “Interns and Outcomes” while Hillary gives a PowerPoint lecture on, “Yes – I Led the Raid on Benghazi.” When reporters tell President Trump that, despite Republican criticism of the increased national debt under the Obama administration, the U.S. debt has risen $1 trillion during his administration, the President replies, “Mexico will pay for it.”
September – Texas A&M agrees to play UT in a football game, but only as a night contest. The Aggies play LSU that afternoon. NRA supports allowing police to wear short-sleeve uniforms showing tattoos with racist and Nazi slogans, explaining: “It’s their constitutional right to bare arms.” Meanwhile, the National Park Service objects to an NRA move to arm bears.
October – Most popular Halloween mask among Democrats: Speaker Robert Mueller. Temperatures across America begin to dip. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders proclaims, “See? Global warming is a hoax.” But in a letter to the White House, 2,000 climate scientists explain: “It’s called ‘winter.’” At a Congressional hearing, Mark Zuckerberg denies Facebook sells its information to other data firms. “First of all, they would have to know our password, which is ‘password,’” adding: “We know who you are, where you live and what porn you watch.”
November – Macy’s Thanksgiving parade is cancelled after discovering one of the balloons is the likeness of Stormy Daniels. Trump Administration seeks to abolish the SEC, saying: “If we can’t trust Wall Street, who can we trust?” Polls show Beto O’Rourke is leading in the Democratic nomination for president. The polls were taken in El Paso with a margin of error of 98 percent. White House abolishes the National Park Service, saying: “It’s unsafe for our rangers with all those armed bears.”
December – State Board of Education prohibits any school singing Christmas songs containing the words, “now we don our gay apparel.” White House announces appointment of a new Secretary of Health and Human Services: Ebenezer Scrooge. #MeToo is sued by the NFL Players Association for promoting all-female parties on New Year’s Eve. A spokesman asks: “What about Adam?”
Ashby predicts at email@example.com