Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses,
And all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!
— 18th Century English nursery rhyme
The Wall Street Journal – Stocks dropped sharply on news that Humpty Dumpty could not be put together again. “My portfolio fell more than Humpty,” moaned one hedge fund manager. The SEC is investigating reports that one Wall Street brokerage house, with inside information of the disaster, shorted stocks in horses and men and made a fortune. If found guilty, this firm faces up to $100 million in fines, or, as one economist put it, “A half-hour’s income.”
Variety – Royal men and horses lay an egg! Our sources from across the pond say this act bombed at the box office, sort of “Hamilton” after the duel. H’wood biggies have dropped plans to go on with “Rocky 14 – the Humpty Saga.” The silver-screen men are still moaning over green-lighting Tom Cruise, George Clooney and Burt Reynolds starring in “All the President’s Men.” Focus groups determined no one would believe a Presidential conspiracy to obstruct justice, and it was discovered Reynolds was dead.
Fox News – Liberals were emboldened with the horrible and gruesome death of a brave American patriot, Humpty Dumpty. In a typical left-wing sneaky plot, members of the deep state shoved Dumpty off a 200-foot-high wall in an effort to silence someone who could prove there was no collusion between Old MacDonald and Little Jack Horner. “Fox & Friends” will reveal this commie conspiracy in a special broadcast tonight at 8, 9 and 10, then most of next week following “Hillary and Benghazi” – the true story of her brazen attempt to blame the raid on a trio of blind mice.
The New York Times – A person known only as Humpty Dumpty has fallen to his death despite fevered efforts by a small army of horses and men. Reliable sources blamed Brexit. More on Pages 3 through 12, plus a map of the wall, a history of earlier walls and falls, two crossword puzzles featuring words about the incident and biographies of all the King’s men and their horses. Editorial: Do we really need walls? Nine Op/Ed columns on the danger of a wall on the Rio Grande, why President Trump loves walls and thus should be impeached, and a history of presidential liars and their hair dressers.
Local TV – Breaking News! This just in: an accident has occurred on the Wall! A man has fallen off! We have a reporter on the way to the tragedy and lots of crime scene yellow tape, flashing police car lights and interviews with eye witnesses who heard about it, sobbing relatives and worried looks from our anchors, sadly shaking their heads over the incident. Also a follow-up on our exclusive: Is there a doggy heaven? If there is still time, we have news about the hurricane headed towards Houston and the mayor’s assassination.
White House Press Release – Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders flatly states there was no collusion between King Trump and all his men who have been indicted for not catching Humpty Dumpty in the air. “That’s old news,” she said. She also promised that she will get back some day to answer reporters’ questions on Donald Trump’s time in a hot tub with Russian President Vladimir Putin. When asked when Trump will release his federal income tax forms, Sanders replied: “That’s even older news. I’ll get back to you on that. Maybe.” She denied that her nose is growing.
National Enquirer – Martians land in Utah! Earthquakes Caused by Spinach! Why we appeal to the lowest common denominator who buy our ridiculous stories while checking out at the grocery store. Poll: Is Trump Our Greatest President Ever? How our publisher flipped on a good friend after killing negative stories about the friend and locking the manuscripts in a vault – along with the authors.
PBS – A seven-part series on nursery rhymes featuring two experts who discuss something about Humpty Dumpty’s demise as a metaphor for the fall of western civilization. Political analysts Shields and Brooks increase viewership by changing their weekly debate to Brooks Shields. Plus long, mind-numbing stories on Peruvian pottery, an afternoon at a Taco Bell and the need for more tote bags. Our nightly begging for donations will take two days off.
The Cooking Channel – Celebrity chefs, including some who have not been accused of sexual harassment, show how to make an omelet without breaking Humpty Dumpty, liver and onions made sort of palatable if you leave out the liver, five ways to cook Martha Stewart, and what wine goes best with roasted horses.
MSNBC – Special: Did right-wing fascists bump off Humpty Dumpty? Each anchor in hour-long segments — Chris Matthews, Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell — interview the same people who agree with them and make the same points, but Maddow is more snarky.
Travel Channel – Syria: Searching for hidden landmines, fracking in Monaco and how to sneak weapons past airport security. Another in our series: Exotic hot spots in Chad. We sent an investigative reporter to Saudi Arabia to expose excesses and corruption in the royal family. We haven’t heard back. Also Mexico – land of wall builders. A look at why Humpty Dumpty ever visited Great Falls, Montana, in the first place.
ESPN – This week’s episode features Trash Sports with Toxic versus Gangrene to see who can put Humpty Dumpty back together again the fastest, bowling on the tundra, NFL players deny their jersey number is also their IQ, and a replay of the 1956 Rose Bowl. Hey, we’ve got to run something for all those sports bars with 24-hour beer service for people who have nothing better to do.
The Bachelorette – Newly divorced MacKenzie Bezos has to pick from her suitors, all 2.3-million of them. A mystery contestant, “Don T,” brags that he has plenty of experience in marriages.
Ashby watches at email@example.com